Tuesday, April 9, 2013

My story on why I got depressed and suicidal

Having depression is one of the worst mental illnesses one can have. I've been diagnosed with major depression so trust me , I know what it feels like to be depressed and feel suicidal. Of course, everybody gets depressed once in a while, but when it begins to happen more than usual, it is not normal . It could be a sign that you are suffering from depression.Here's my story.

I was always depressed as a little kid but I never knew it. At elementary school, I would always be alone by myself thinking of dying. I don't know why but I always found pleasure in the idea of dying. I was just 6 years old and I already had those thoughts. I never told anyone though. I kept on being lonely through all the elementary years of school. I humiliated others and felt superior to others. I pretended that I didn't need friends because they were all inferior to me. I was a straight A student and I hardly ever failed at anything. I was so good at everything, even sports. I beat the guys at sports and everybody called me the perfect one. I kept on with my arrogant attitude throughout all elementary school and it just brought me more solitude. So my elementary years weren't very good ones, they were rather painful.

In 6th grade, the beginning of middle school, I was still "the perfect one" and I just had like two or three friends whom I hanged out with. People disliked me for being so arrogant. I would always be too focused on trying to be perfect in everything I did, specially at schoolwork. I then moved to another school because we moved to another house so I had to adapt to this new school  I was going to attend. It was cool in the beginning. Until I started being bullied by older gangster kids . They would throw food at me and put gum on my hair. It was horrible. 

As time passed in 6th grade, I sometimes found myself being worried for no apparent reason or worrying too much about homework. Trying to make it perfect. It worried me to not be perfect, to fail. I didn't want to fail. I was perfect wasn't I ? I  also worried about the bullying in school . I started worrying about everything to the point that I had to get out of class and go straight to the psychologist so he could calm me down. Things just got worse. I would shake in the middle of class and I worried 24/7 except when i was asleep. My heart would always be racing and beating like it wanted to get out of my chest. There was times when I couldn't take the worrying/anxiety anymore and i would burst in tears because I was so afraid of Everything.

I became super shy, and was terribly scared when it came to participating in class so I stopped participating at all and I was even afraid of standing up to go throw trash into the trashcan or just sharpening my pencil. I thought everyone was staring at me all the time. I didn't want to get seen by anyone. I stopped going out because whenever i went out i was even afraid of looking at people when i walked. They were watching me all the time. Everything became too extreme so I quit school and homeschooled myself. That was the worst decision I could've ever taken and I regret it now. I truly do. If i could go back in time I would put up with my anxiety or had gotten more help because now I know that I missed all those good times. I missed meeting new people and making friends and all the cool stuff there is in high school.

When I was homeschooled all I did was be home and do schoolwork at home and once I had finished it go to school and turn in my work. I wasn't perfect anymore, I was the most imperfect person ever. My grades  were slowly dropping. Now I got pure B's and C's.  That wasn't bad but wasn't the best either. At first homeschool was fun because i got to stay home and watch t.v all day. But then after the first few months of being homeschooled. I started feeling depressed and all lonely. I had no internet so there was no way for me to communicate with my old friends from school. 3 years passed and I became the loneliest teen ever. I had 0 friends. None at all. I never went out. I stayed home because I still had the feeling that as long as I was outside in the street, I was in danger of something happening.From being the straight A student I became a straight D student.. I hardly passed.

During those years of being homeschooled I had three long distance relationships via the internet. All of those three were very harmful relationships and they mad
e my depression even worse. I got suicidal after every break up . So it's stuff like this that makes someone be depressed and suicidal. Loneliness, a broken heart, having social phobia and not knowing it. I have been diagnosed with 4 mental illnesses which are depression,social phobia,PTSD and signs of Bipolar and Borderline personality disorder. 

I am glad I didn't commit suicide in the past. Everything seems to get better now :). I just started college and I am still kind of lonely. I am on meds right now and seeing a therapist which is helping me with all my issues. So my advice to you. If you are feeling something like me, please get help. If you are feeling suicidal contact the national suicide hotline which is      1-800-273-8255...Things get better over time . Don't give up !

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