My story on why I got depressed and suicidal

Having depression is one of the worst mental illnesses one can have. I've been diagnosed with major depression so trust me , I know what it feels like to be depressed and feel suicidal. Of course, everybody gets depressed once in a while, but when it begins to happen more than usual, it is not normal . It could be a sign that you are suffering from depression.Here's my story.

I was always depressed as a little kid but I never knew it. At elementary school, I would always be alone by myself thinking of dying. I don't know why but I always found pleasure in the idea of dying. I was just 6 years old and I already had those thoughts. I never told anyone though. I kept on being lonely through all the elementary years of school. I humiliated others and felt superior to others. I pretended that I didn't need friends because they were all inferior to me. I was a straight A student and I hardly ever failed at anything. I was so good at everything, even sports. I beat the guys at sports and everybody called me the perfect one. I kept on with my arrogant attitude throughout all elementary school and it just brought me more solitude. So my elementary years weren't very good ones, they were rather painful.

In 6th grade, the beginning of middle school, I was still "the perfect one" and I just had like two or three friends whom I hanged out with. People disliked me for being so arrogant. I would always be too focused on trying to be perfect in everything I did, specially at schoolwork. I then moved to another school because we moved to another house so I had to adapt to this new school  I was going to attend. It was cool in the beginning. Until I started being bullied by older gangster kids . They would throw food at me and put gum on my hair. It was horrible. 

As time passed in 6th grade, I sometimes found myself being worried for no apparent reason or worrying too much about homework. Trying to make it perfect. It worried me to not be perfect, to fail. I didn't want to fail. I was perfect wasn't I ? I  also worried about the bullying in school . I started worrying about everything to the point that I had to get out of class and go straight to the psychologist so he could calm me down. Things just got worse. I would shake in the middle of class and I worried 24/7 except when i was asleep. My heart would always be racing and beating like it wanted to get out of my chest. There was times when I couldn't take the worrying/anxiety anymore and i would burst in tears because I was so afraid of Everything.

I became super shy, and was terribly scared when it came to participating in class so I stopped participating at all and I was even afraid of standing up to go throw trash into the trashcan or just sharpening my pencil. I thought everyone was staring at me all the time. I didn't want to get seen by anyone. I stopped going out because whenever i went out i was even afraid of looking at people when i walked. They were watching me all the time. Everything became too extreme so I quit school and homeschooled myself. That was the worst decision I could've ever taken and I regret it now. I truly do. If i could go back in time I would put up with my anxiety or had gotten more help because now I know that I missed all those good times. I missed meeting new people and making friends and all the cool stuff there is in high school.

When I was homeschooled all I did was be home and do schoolwork at home and once I had finished it go to school and turn in my work. I wasn't perfect anymore, I was the most imperfect person ever. My grades  were slowly dropping. Now I got pure B's and C's.  That wasn't bad but wasn't the best either. At first homeschool was fun because i got to stay home and watch t.v all day. But then after the first few months of being homeschooled. I started feeling depressed and all lonely. I had no internet so there was no way for me to communicate with my old friends from school. 3 years passed and I became the loneliest teen ever. I had 0 friends. None at all. I never went out. I stayed home because I still had the feeling that as long as I was outside in the street, I was in danger of something happening.From being the straight A student I became a straight D student.. I hardly passed.

During those years of being homeschooled I had three long distance relationships via the internet. All of those three were very harmful relationships and they mad

e my depression even worse. I got suicidal after every break up . So it's stuff like this that makes someone be depressed and suicidal. Loneliness, a broken heart, having social phobia and not knowing it. I have been diagnosed with 4 mental illnesses which are depression,social phobia,PTSD and signs of Bipolar and Borderline personality disorder. 

I am glad I didn't commit suicide in the past. Everything seems to get better now :). I just started college and I am still kind of lonely. I am on meds right now and seeing a therapist which is helping me with all my issues. So my advice to you. If you are feeling something like me, please get help. If you are feeling suicidal contact the national suicide hotline which is      1-800-273-8255...Things get better over time . Don't give up !

What I do to get motivated to working out even when I feel extremely tired,stressed out or simply in the mood of being lazy

 There are times when I just don't feel like working out. One day I work out and then the next I just want to be lazy. I say to myself, I worked out yesterday and it was a pretty hard intense workout , so why should I work out today ? I'm pretty fit and I have a really healthy lifestyle and nutrition,nah maybe it's to leave all this health stuff aside and be lazy. But then again I think of all I've gone through to be in the shape I am in now and I really don't want to ruin it.  Yes it's okay to rest from all those intense workouts but there had been days when I used to take like 3-5 days of  resting and I wasn't even tired. I was lacking motivation and I was feeling pretty depressed so I decided to not work out. Nothing was going to happen right ? I wasn't going to get out of shape in 5 days. But still.

 That one day of rest became 5 and those 5 became two weeks of being inactive. I got used to being in my bed and watching tv and little by little I started going out of shape and NOO!! All the hard work, I was throwing it away directly to the trash can. I had to find something that motivated me. I had to do something different. Instead of working out just for the heck of it, I had to find out and remember why in first place I started working out. Before I started working out I was all flabby from all my body. My arms were very wiggly and my belly seemed like it was made out of jelly. I disgusted myself out. My butt wasn't even hard nor tight when I touched it. I really didn't like myself before I started working out. I am sure many people don't like themselves either the way they are now, that's why people have to start working out and being active. To look and feel good. 


So I started writing down the reasons why I decided to work out and these are the reasons I came up with (different people, different reasons)

1. to be fit and muscly ( Muscles in girls look sexy)
2. To get rid of the fat in my stomach and have a nice six pack 
3. to feel good
4. to be more confident with girls ( I am openly gay)
5. So girls can like me more
6. To be more energized
7. to show off my body

and bla bla bla... The list keeps going on. 

Find a reason to work out and make it happen. Getting motivation isn't really hard. You don't need to go to a gym to get motivation. Get motivation from yourself and from the ones you love. If you don't want to do it for yourself, do it for your children . If you don't have children , do it for your husband,wife, your mom,dad etc.. Your loved ones. You get me. The point here is finding a reason that will motivate you to keep on with your fitness journey. 

From the day I wrote all those reasons, I am now working out regularly 4-5 times per week. I've been working out now for 8 years since I was 10. I am now 18 and in shape :)  Don't let anything stop you. Keep yourself going !! Good luck !

Stop Eating Junk Food if You want to lose weight !!

  If you're reading this and you're eating junk food in this precise moment,

please stop it and drop it down before you get another bite. If your main goal is  weight loss and you're eating junk food, how the hell are you expecting to lose weight ? Seriously, are you even serious about losing weight ? You think you will lose weight by eating hamburgers,fries,chips and all those foods full of calories and fat? If you want to lose weight,it isn't going to happen by itself. Maybe you're one of those people that all they do is eat like once or twice a day but all you eat in those foods are fat greasy foods and you drink soda all day because you don't like water. And you  hardly eat fruits and vegetables. You have the worst nutrition ever but you still want to lose weight and you go to the gym expecting to see results. Well , you're doing it all wrong and you are not going to get any results as long as you keep on doing what you're doing.

 Junk food might taste great but it does no good to your body. I always hear people complaining that they're getting fatter every day but they won't stop eating all those unhealthy foods and inside me I'm so angry at these people. They don't take their health seriously. They don't take themselves seriously. I have nothing against anyone but it's stuff like this that sets me on fire. Seriously man. Change your eating habits. It's not hard at all, just in the beginning it is but then you get used to it. If you really care about yourself please stop consuming trash foods that all they do is fatten you up. There's thousands and thousands of articles,books,blogs,programs about health. This is one of them. I am sure you can find some useful info right here. I even have a review on the best diet program that makes you lean and shows you how to burn that belly fat. There's so many resources out there. This is just one of them.   Seriously, stop eating junk food and take losing weight seriously !!!